Tag Archives: Fantasy

First Annual Oscar Clobber or The First time we rant about the Academy Awards

I honestly had a real plan for this article.  It was going to be a week long event in which we had guest writers discussing things like #OscarsSoWhite, how terrible the panel is due to ridiculous rules, eligibility, and voting, but I just can’t seem to care enough about the award show to make a real effort at posting something profound.

Seriously, I just Googled "Apathy" and this was the first image that came up...
Seriously, I just Googled “Apathy” and this was the first image that came up…

In lieu of an article about how awful the Oscars have become (and pretty much always have been), I’m going to go over some of the major categories and see if we can find something of interest somewhere among them to talk about.


Academy Award for Best Actress

First off, I really don’t like the fact that we still distinguish between “Actresses” and “Actors” via gender.  They are all actors and should be treated as such.  In my opinion, we should really put Jennifer Lawrence (nominated this year for the movie Joy) up against Eddie Redmayne (nominated for his (her?) performance in The Danish Girl) or Matt Damon (nominated for The Martian).  If you’ve seen Joy, you know it’s no where near the caliber of her past performances (Silver Linings Playbook, American Hustle, etc.), but it’s still a well put together movie and for her part, she does everything right and again, showcases an immense amount of talent.

"Don't put metal in the SCIENCE OVEN!" Still my favorite line of that movie and quite possibly 2014.
“Don’t put metal in the SCIENCE OVEN!” Still my favorite line of that movie and quite possibly 2014.

Anyway, there are other actors (yes, screw the word Actress) that are nominated as well, here is a quick round up:

  • Cate Blanchett, in Carol Aird, as Carol
  • Brie Larson, in Room, as Joy “Ma” Newsome
  • Jennifer Lawrence, in Joy, as Joy Mangano
  • Charlotte Rampling, in 45 Years, as Kate Mercer
  • Saoirse Ronan, in Brooklyn, as Eilis Lacey

IWTMM’s Prediction: Jennifer Lawrence

Of course it has to be Jennifer Lawrence.  Everyone loves her (she is really seemingly charming by all accounts) and if the panel even recognized any other actor’s name in that pile, then I would be surprised.  Just give her another one, let her trip on the stairs or her dress *cue laughter* and a “surprised” winning speech.

IWTMM’s “Who Should Have Won”: Charlize Theron as Imperator Furiosa in Mad Max: Fury Road.

Seriously, you’ve likely seen Mad Max: Fury Road, the other nominations, not too likely.  If you have (or even if you haven’t), Charlize Theron kicks so much ass in two hours than all the “Action Stars” of the 80’s combined.  I totally think she should go all Kanye West on the Winner.

"I'm gonna let you finish, but first, I want to shoot a few idiots in the crowd." -Charlize Theron
“I’m gonna let you finish, but first, I want to shoot a few idiots in the crowd.” -Charlize Theron

Academy Award for Best Actor

 I believe they add, “in a Leading Role” to this title, but I don’t really care (that’s going to be a theme during this whole article).  Let’s take a look at our powder-white nominees:

  • Bryan Cranston, in Trumbo, as Dalton Trumbo
  • Matt Damon, in The Martian, as Mark Watney
  • Leonardo DiCaprio, in The Revenant, as Hugh Glass
  • Michael Fassbender, in Steve Jobs, as Steve Jobs
  • Eddie Redmayne, in The Danish Girl, as Lili Elbe / Einar Wegener

IWTMM’s Prediction: Leonardo DiCaprio

Leo has been passed over for this award in four separate years.  They skipped a year between nominating him so it didn’t look too suspicious, but I believe DiCaprio has been thoroughly snubbed.  It likely doesn’t make any difference to him.  Did you see what he got to do in The Wolf of Wall Street?

I can just see all the tears spewing from his gold-lined tear ducts...
I can just see all the tears spewing from his gold-lined tear ducts…

I mean, come on, you think Leo cares?  Does he want to win, probably, it’s seemingly a big deal to these Hollywood types.  But if a little gold statue is more important than the millions he rakes in for almost every film he does, then I really think the “art” in film is moot.

I think this is a bit more up everyone's alley...
I think this is a bit more up everyone’s alley…

Academy Award for Best….

You know what, I really don’t give a crap.  The Oscars are horrible.  The monologue is obnoxious and no matter who wins, someone is going to be upset.  I don’t even have enough apathy to finish this article.

IWTMM’s Prediction for Best Director: Adam McKay for The Big Short

IWTMM’s Prediction for Best Picture: The Big Short

Seriously, I don’t care.  The Big Short was a phenomenal movie with excellent actors, a horrifying reality, and was honestly both entertaining and filmed very well.  It’s on the “Unicorn List”.  It’s both entertaining and “Critically” acclaimed.  So, for my money, it’s going to come out the winner, but I really don’t care.  The whole thing is just a big Hollywood circlejer…….

We apologize for the inconvience as us at I Watch Too Many Movies attempt to appeal to all audiences, thus the ending of the review has been closed and censored.
We apologize for the inconvenience as us at I Watch Too Many Movies attempt to appeal to all audiences, thus the ending of the review has been closed and censored.

…..and that’s all I have to say about that.  At least I get to see Zootopia next weekend.


Pan or The Only Origin Story I Wanted to See

Pan Poster

The film industry these days have an immaculate crystal ball that tells them exactly what audiences want to see.  It is so accurate that I can clearly the scene:

*We open on large circular boardroom with 20 Hollywood executives form various studios.  All of them are cloaked in dark robes.  All seated around a table with one object on it.  It is a glowing orb that showcases action scenes, various actors, and above all, audience reactions.  One of the cloaked figures rises to address the rest of the assembly.*

“Oh great Orb of the Drunken Muses, show us what audiences are willing to pay for this year and whom we must cast!” the figure calls out to  the swirling and glowing Orb.

*Minutes pass and then a quiet raspy voice spills out of the orb like a cold drink spilled on your crotch in freezing temperatures.*

“Prequels, Sequels, Superheroes, Remakes, Origin Stories and as much Chris Pratt as possible!”

I'm pretty sure this is the look of a guy who has been summoned by a Hollywood Demon Orb
I’m pretty sure this is the look of a guy who has been summoned by a Demon Orb from Hollywood

Well, it’s something like that.  I’m pretty sure.  About 50%.  Maybe 25%. Okay, I know there is a Demon Orb, that I can say with absolute uncertainty.  Why are you critiquing, I’m the movie reviewer here.  You just sit there and read.

Whatever unholy actions that take place in the film industry to churn out the brief list the Orb of the Drunken Muses spoke of earlier, Pan was one of the tropes I was actually interested in seeing.  My first experience with the tale of Peter Pan was from Disney, in play form, and then the brilliant film of the 1990’s, Hook.

Look, I didn't make the movie
Look, I didn’t make the movie, but I’m pretty sure they held a gun to Dustin Hoffman’s head to get him to put on that makeup.

While Dustin Hoffman’s Captain Hook gave me nightmare fuel for weeks to come, I had a general idea of the Peter Pan mythos and eventually how it would end: Robin Williams would beat out a ten year old boy (Rufio Rufio Rufio Rufiooooooooo) for the job of leader and crow, fly, and imagine his way to victory over the Pirates.  All well and good.  But I must admit when I first saw the trailer for Pan, I was really intrigued.  This, I believed was a story worth telling.  I know that J.M. Barrie wrote both the stage play, Peter or The Boy Who Never Grew Up and later the book Peter and Wendy or Peter Pan as it became known.  And these stories told everything I had already seen, but how did all of this begin?  That was something worth investigating.  Also of note, if you haven’t already, check out the fantastic film Finding Neverland as it chronicles the tragic but beautiful life of J.M. Barrie (bonus, Johnny Depp doesn’t wear anything ridiculous in the film).

Do you think this was the point he decided to kill someone?
Do you think this was the moment in which he questioned his life decisions?

At any rate, I really was looking forward to Pan.  I figured Hollywood had gotten it right for a change and found a story worth telling as a prequel. Unfortunately I underestimated the Orb of the Drunken Muses ability to twist a good idea into a film I cannot describe in any other way than odd.

The basic story didn’t offend me but it never came near to the satisfaction I was hoping for in this feature.  Not saying it didn’t give me the information I wanted on Peter Pan’s origins, but I never felt engaged. You also have the problem with all prequels, how can there be any stakes here, you know how things turn out eventually.  Anyway, let’s just say that I left highly unsatisfied at Joe Wright’s (Director) origins of Peter Pan.  Which is really what I wanted to see.

There are some good things to be found in this film.  The young man, Levi Miller, who played Peter looks to have a bright future in film in front of him.  At no point did I see him as a twerp or annoyance unlike other child actors.  Other than some serious over-acting, I mean like a ridiculous level of over-acting, by Garrett Hedlund as Hook.  First of all, why was he called “Hook”?  Because his surname happened to be Hook, was it really necessary to have him be introduced with a hand-held hook?  We get it, he eventually becomes the bad guy, we don’t need to be hit over the head with references to future stories.  Oh, and there is a lot of that.  The Writers and Director were so busy giving winks and nods to Peter Pan  references that they forgot to tell Garrett to take it down a notch.

When I come down from the coke, you'll have to carry me home.
Once I come down from the coke, you’ll have to carry me home kid.

The other two main actors Rooney Mara, Tiger Lilly, and the ever talented Hugh Jackman playing the infamous pirate Blackbeard (I’m not going to link to his body of work, because if you don’t already know it, you’ve likely been held prisoner in some cult bunker).  Hugh Jackman has fun with this role.  Not only does he get a chance to play a villain for a change, he gets to do some of the most bonkers things in a film I’ve ever seen.  For me, how absolutely insane a particular scene of them bringing in new children for mining purposes almost saved the movie. The setup is that Blackbeard’s Pirates have captured orphans and are bringing them to assist in mining Neverland’s mountains for Pixie Dust in rock form.  The current miners actually sing to their new compatriots one of the most insane versions of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit I have ever heard.  Seriously, this is the best scene of the film.  I wish the film was already released so I could show you this scene, but for now you’ll just have to prepare your ear-holes for this batty rendition.

Wasn’t that absolutely perfect?  At this point in the movie (relatively early), I was pretty stoked and ready for anything that came afterwards. Sadly I called it too early and the rest of the film just let me down.  My niece and nephew enjoyed it, but that was just for the pretty visuals and some moderately unique VFX, but they didn’t care or understand about the content.  Kids will enjoy this film, but being out three weeks and only making $25.7M at the box office is abysmal.  No love for an origin tale of Peter Pan, which is sad, because I really wanted to see that movie.

Didn’t read my fancy words, here is the short version:

I didn’t hate everything, but with some serious acting issues, lack of any real follow-thru on Peter Pan’s Origins, plus only one redeeming scene, I just can’t recommend this to anyone other than when it runs on cable. Maybe the Orb of the Drunken Muses and Hollywood will learn a lesson and recoil a bit.

Or perhaps not...
Or perhaps not…